What guys shouldn't do in fashion

Dude, where’s my fashion sense?

So, I was thinking that last week I was perhaps a little harsh on the ladies and their surrender to certain hideous fashion trends. Therefore in the interests of equality between the sexes, I am going to give the guys a turn.

Shopping can be hard for guys; some consider it a form of torture. And for those who aren’t exactly fashion savvy, then it’s quite easy to get swept up by certain fads or trends. However, there are some trends that cannot be excused. Read on for my top five bad fashion moves for men…

Anything from Ed Hardy…

Since when did it become appropriate for grown men to wear bedazzled shirts?

For those of you who aren’t aware, Ed Hardy is a brand that sells t-shirts, hoodies and dodgy jeans with tattoo inspired prints on them. There’s a lot of hideous tiger prints and more rhinestones than a ballet concert! Meanwhile it costs an absolute bomb and looks completely trashy - just like Dolly Parton.

If you’re wearing this stuff you may as well buy a t-shirt that says: “Hey, how you doin? I’m in the middle of a pretty severe midlife crisis and labouring under the delusion that these diamantes make me look younger and like, totally sexy.”

The Emo look and skinny jeans…

Ok, so first of all, there aren’t many girls out there who want a boyfriend who spends more time faffing about with eyeliner and a straightening iron than she does. Now, I’m the first to admit that I like The Cure - Robert Smith looked really cool. But it was the 80s, there was a lot of crazy going on back then.

These days teenage boys hanging out on street corners in tight pants and excessive eye make up just look sad. And the pants! Goodness me, why are they getting around in those super, super skinny jeans? You know they’ve purchased them at a women’s clothing store.

Now, I’m not saying guys shouldn’t be allowed to shop at ladies stores, but think about it this way, how are those uber tight girls pants going to fit you properly… down there? You’re guys! You have junk in your trunk! Where is it going?

Besides, there are only a handful of men who have legs skinny enough to even consider pulling this look off. There’s nothing sadder than chunky-legged man squeezing himself into a pair of too-skinny jeans. Which brings me onto my next point…

Meggings…

What are meggings you ask? They are leggings, for men. And yes, they are as stupid as they sound. For the life of me I cannot understand what use men could have for meggings. Women wear leggings under skirts and dresses; the keep us warm, hide our unshaved legs and look rather good.

But last time I checked, men weren’t wearing skirts or dresses, thus rendering meggings totally unnecessary. It’s just too much information really, why don’t you just have a little arrow pointing to your groin with a sign saying: “Hey, I’ve got a penis.” And more importantly, when you’re wearing meggings, where do you put your wallet? In your non-existent pockets? In your girlfriends bag?

No offence, but I don’t think the women are going to be beating down your door when you’re getting around in a pair of these puppies. You may however, get an invitation to join the local cycling group.

Popped collars…

Unfortunately there are still a few fist-pumping wannabes who are still popping the collars of their imitation Polo shirts. Please stop. There are even some hardcore dudes who wear two of these abominations at the same time. I mean honestly, could you be more of a loser?

The comb-over…

Ok, so it’s not exactly an item of clothing, but it’s definitely a style choice, and a very bad one at that. See the thing is, you’re not actually fooling anyone by scraping those stringy bits of hair across your scalp. Everyone else can see you’re bald. Embrace it, baldness can be sexy, but a comb-over reeks of desperation.

Meanwhile, have you ever heard of a hat? Think about it. In the meantime, heed the immortal words of KC and the Sunshine Band: “Give it up, give it up, baby, give it up.”