It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone wears underwear. Unless you’re one of the brave few who likes to roll commando style, chances are you have a collection of undergarments in your top drawer.
Like shoes, the type of daks you wear says a lot about you.
Don’t get your knickers in a twist, just read on to decode the secret language of underpants.
Ladies
You’re wearing big beige nana undies… You’re either a grandmother or you’re wearing your grandmother’s underpants. Why? They’re ugly and enormous and unless you’ve reached a point where you no longer care about anything you wear, then you should burn them immediately.
You’re wearing red lacy underwear… You’re a sexy spicy kind of lass aren’t you? Up for anything, bold, adventurous and independent. At least that’s what you want people to think. In reality you probably have an incredibly boring corporate job that forces you to wearing incredibly boring corporate clothing, so you compensate and try to live vicariously through your undergarments.
You’re wearing a G-string… Personally I don’t see the appeal in having a piece of elastic up your butt crack. If you’re wearing a G-banger you’re probably a big fan of the 80s. Do you wear body suits too? Do you play Atari and listen to Australian Crawl?
FYI ladies, underwear technology has come a long way since the 80s. You can liberate that elastic from your bum by buying seamless underwear, so you never need to worry about VPLs (visible panty lines) again.
You’re wearing Cotton Tails… You’re a down to earth kind of gal aren’t you? An easy-going chick who believes comfort is king. You’re traditional and fuss free but you’re underwear drawer is boring with a capital B. Live a little – go out and buy some multi-coloured knickers.
Gentlemen
You’re wearing silk boxer shorts… You’re either a teenage boy or someone else is buying your underpants for you. Really, wearing silk underwear seems a bit excessive, not to mention its kind of weird and highly impractical. If you’re labouring under the delusion that silk boxer shorts are sexy, let me assure you they’re not. Put them away.
You’re wearing designer daks… You’re probably gay. Why else would you be wearing undies with another man’s name written on them? Think about it: Calvin Klein, Georgio Armani, Dolce & Gabbana, Ian Thorpe? Enough said.
You’re wearing Bonds shorties… You like to know you’re equipment isn’t jangling around like some loose change in your pocket. You’re gorgeous, healthy, active and a genuinely nice guy. Oh wait, that’s right, you’re Pat Rafter. Or at least, he’s your hero. Either way, I’m sure you have no trouble with the ladies. Keep doing whatever it is that you do.
You’re going commando… For those who don’t know, to go commando is to venture into the world sans underwear. Nothing gets between you and your denim jeans. You’re either too lazy to do your laundry or you’re a bit of a risk taker. I mean is it really that wise to have your unprotected family jewels so close to the metal teeth of a zip? Think about it.