I spent Saturday at the Caufield Cup. It’s a funny event, the crowd is generally a little younger and everyone’s ready to kick off the racing season.

It was a rather big day and I woke yesterday feeling a little worse for wear. Here’s my recollection of a day at the races.

The good…

Flexi flats.

Some genius (clearly a woman) has started up a business selling cheap little flats to women at the races.

Sore feet? Just call over one of the girls who are selling them and for $15 you can have some sole relief!

The sun coming out in the afternoon.

Typical Melbourne weather.

Wonderful and thoughtful accessories.

I saw so many pairs of great shoes on girls and there were a number of guys wearing hats and pocket squares – a very cool touch.

Being in a marquee.

No queues for drinks, plenty of food and access to lots of ice cold water. Best of all, the chairs – my feet weren’t even sore!

Lots of colour.

In Melbourne we worship everything black, so it was nice to see girls in big bold colours and prints and guys in blue and grey suits.

The bad…

Orange knees and hands.

Ok, before I go any further, I plead guilty to this offence. I know it’s a bad look, but take my advice – don’t apply fake tan when you’re drunk the night before a big event.

There were horses?

Again, I plead guilty to what is sure to be a serious social faux pas. What is the point of going to the races and then not seeing a single race?

People in matching outfits.

I’m not sure why people feel the urge to do this. Is it a desperate cry for attention or do they actually think it’s funny.

Either way, it’s pretty weird seeing groups of grown men wearing hoola skirts over their suit pants or a bunch of girls wearing the exact same feathery fascinator. Why?]

Dodgy fascinators.

What is with these ridiculous fascinators that are like miniature hats? It’s so silly. Whatever happened to wearing a normal full-sized hat?

Skimpy outfits.

Yes, its spring, yes you have a fake tan and yes, you’re 18 and whippet-thin. But wearing a skin tight, cut-out dress that barely covers your behind is still not a good look.

Nothing is worse than seeing a half-pissed girl hobbling along in her stilletos, with one hand on her head keeping her shitty fascinator attached while the other holds the hem of her dress down so the world doesn’t see what she had for breakfast.

What happened to looking a little classy?

The ugly…

Girls pretending they need to vomit in order to jump the queue for the ladies bathrooms.

This is simply very poor form. I know the queue for the ladies loo is always insanely long, but wait your turn like everybody else.

Too much boobage.

This was by far the biggest crime committed. It was boob for as far as the eye could see. You couldn’t turn your head without coping an eyeful of cleavage.

A bit of it is nice, but having your puppies hanging out isn’t always a good look.

Ladies, when you’re boobs are jiggling about and look like they’re about to emancipate themselves from your outfit, you know you should have invested in some heavy-duty underwear.

Cheap suits.

Self-explanatory really, there were dozens of younger guys in crappy suits made from budget material awith those hideously bright ties.

They’re usually accessorised with even cheaper sunglasses and blonde-tipped and spiky hair. Gross.

The trash 

Cigarette butts, chicken sandwiches and plastic cups all mashed together and stomped into the ground. Not a pretty sight.