At this time of year, I often find myself in a state of confusion wondering why so many guys are walking around with dubious bits of fluff atop their lips, and then I remember… it’s Movember.
What is it about men and moustaches? Some guys must look forward to Movember all year, so keen are they to ditch the razor and embrace the fuzz that sprouts from their top lip.
There are some men who can grow quite a prodigious moustache – my father is one of them. All my life he has had a mo, in fact I’m not sure I’ve ever seen his top lip. It is full and bushy and it suits him, so much a part of his smiling face that I think I would miss it if it was suddenly gone.
But there are also those guys who simply cannot grow a mo, and instead they end up with a top lip scattered with bum-fluff and begin to resemble a horrifying giant catfish/human hybrid that is uber disturbing.
Undoubtedly a great number of men fall so deeply in love with their Movember moustache that they will decide to keep it. The question is, with which mo will they go?
The Belgian Detective
Faultlessly styled, with perfectly symmetrical upturned ends, this is a moustache reserved for serious connoisseurs. Unless you fancy yourself as some kind of Hercule Poirot inspired dandy, it may not be the moustache for you. However, if you are small and rotund with a head shaped like an egg, ‘zen zis is zee mo for you, mon petit’.
There was a time, back in the 80s, where a moustache was a symbol of machismo. Think back to Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I; he was a very hairy man, but that didn’t stop him from fighting crime in little shorts and floral shirts. He was a manly man, an 80s sex symbol; big and tall, with blow-waved hair and a big bushy moustache adorning a pair of lips that no woman could resist.
The moustache of choice for wrestlers, criminals, TV weather men, bikers and general all round bad guys. This big, bushy bad boy wraps itself around your top lip, trails down the sides of your mouth and says, ‘don’t mess with me, I’m hairy.’ You probably think you look tough, but people might think you’re auditioning for a Village People tribute band.
Only an artist has enough free time in their day to cultivate such a surreal piece of facial hair. Each side is long and pencil thing, resembling a vanilla bean and ideally sticking out at dangerous angles. The Dali is most effective when accompanied by a maniacal glare.
No one knows where your moustache ends and your beard/mutton-chops/mohawk begins. You probably think you look like Wolverine, but in fact, you just look like a creepy guy who is trying to hide his face behind a mane of wild and unkempt facial hair.
Not to be confused with the Dali, the Pencil is what happens when guys who can’t grow a real mo insist on growing one. It’s the trademark of sleazy drug lords, perverts, Hispanic pimps and Prince. Thin, insipid and slightly feminine this moustache should be avoided at all costs.