Usually when you start a piece on some cultural phenomenon or other, it’s nice to offer a brief explanation of the this-is-this-and-it-does-this-and-people-are-going-crazy-because-of-this variety.

In the case of Pokemon GO however, it seems pretty pointless. Unless you’ve been living under a rock that’s situated on a planet that is millions of light years away from our solar system, it seems unlikely that you’re not already aware of Pokemon GO.

It is highly possible, however, that some of you out there are indeed visitors from another dimension and/or planet so here’s a quick heads-up: Pokemon GO is an augmented reality game, available as a free download for both Android and iOS devices. The game essentially uses your phone’s clock and GPS capabilities to pinpoint your location and make Pokemon spring up around you, as you walk, run, drive, or indeed physically inhabit any space. Pokemon are creatures that take on a variety of forms, mostly animalistic, with each one possessing a different set of skills, which you can use when you battle other Pokemon ‘masters’. By looking at the world through your phone’s camera/screen combo, the game crosses over into our realm and sinks its gaming hooks deep into our fragile little minds.

That is pretty much it. It’s a game about fantastical creatures, that we as potential ‘masters’ and ‘trainers’ should catch and collect and then use in virtual arenas as we struggle for Pokemon domination.

And the world has gone and utterly lost it because of them. We’ve seen people crash their cars because of them, people getting shot over them, people falling into the sea because of them, people skipping meals, relationships, jobs and social engagements over them, pretty much seen every social disaster scenario don a Pokemon suit and happily chirp “Pika! Pika!”.

What does this humble hack think of it all? Well, thanks for asking. I happen to think that it’s a brand new low for humanity, a new way we have found to say “hey ho, look at us, we are dissolving into a pool of brainless gloop, what fun it is to roam the world with a smartphone screen nailed to our faces”.

Am I sounding slightly old, ancient even? Perhaps. Am I setting aside the fact that Pokemon GO has provided a way to inject hope and energy in terminally ill children, or autistic kids struggling to communicate with the world in any other way? No, not one bit. I welcome the positive effects of video games and being an avid gamer myself, have always been feverishly supportive of what a well-produced video game title can offer the human mind.

It’s just. No wait, I’ll get there in the end. You know what? I just straight out do not like Pokemon. I don’t like Pikachu and his high-pitched whining (for god’s sake that thing can weaponise electrical currents, what’s with the groaning) I don’t like Bulbasaur, or Squirtle or Charmander or any of them and I as sure as hell don’t like Ash, that self-important little squirt, the main character of the Pokemon cartoon series, a pure, crystal clear definition of a loser if ever there was one.

I mean just think about it: He was constantly on foot, could never even afford a car, never progressed as a human and the closest he got to having an erotic relationship of any kind was when he rubbed noses with Pikachu, that infuriating cross between a rabbit and a canary. Way to go Ash.

And yet somehow, this prime example of getting-nowhere-fast suddenly becomes a blueprint for us all, being as he is at the heart of Pokemon GO.

“Wouldn’t it be great if we could be like Ash, roaming the world and catching Pokemon and battling it out with other Pokemon masters?”

Actually no, that sounds like a terrible idea. That actually sounds like those people you see pounding the pavements, wearing nothing but a long coat and a pair of crusty underpants, barking at pigeons. You know what we call those people? Crazy people. You know what happens to those people? They get committed. Yes. YES.

Pokemon GO is a very clever game. Rather, it’s an EXTREMELY clever and simple augmented reality gaming application, arguably the first of its kind to cross over to the mainstream in such an immense way and as such, it’s a much-needed building block as we head towards a more structured and streamlined socio-digital model.

But let’s face it. It’s terrible. It’s like Google Glass but with Poke coins added in for good measure. And THAT is a pretty horrendous mix.

Have I downloaded it onto my phone? Yes, of course I have. I’m not going to be one of those idiots commenting on something I haven’t actually got my hands on. Have I played it? Yes. Am I any good at it? No.

And THAT right there is why I hate it. How can you be bad at Pokemon GO? It’s virtually idiot proof. Oh wait.