You know, sometimes I feel like we don’t celebrate enough in Australia.
Ok, I know we celebrate stuff like horse races, Easter, Australia Day and that everyone takes lots of Monday morning sickies.
But what about the random holidays? The celebrations for the sake of celebrating?
Like how the English celebrate Guy Fawkes Day - they get stuck into their warm beer, rip out the firecrackers and lose a couple of fingers. And the Spanish seem to know how to have a good time.
They grow a bunch of tomatoes and then celebrate by hurling them at each other, and then they have that whole week devoted to getting chased by angry bulls!
But it’s the Americans that seem to have it down pat. I mean they’ve got Martin Luther King Day, Flag Day, Columbus Day and even Groundhog Day! And then they’ve got Thanksgiving, which is pretty much right before Christmas and appears to be nothing but an excuse to eat turkey.
And then they have the holiday which I covet the most. It’s creep and it’s kooky, mysterious and spooky - it’s Halloween.
I mean what could be better than Halloween?
You get to dress up like a crazy person and go knocking on people’s doors asking for chocolate - and they give it to you!
It was Halloween on Saturday but no one came knocking on my door. Not really that surprising - have you ever tried trick or treating in this country?
If you’re lucky someone might give you a light beer that has been festering away in the back of their fridge, or worse, a choc-chip muesli bar. And if you live in Fitzroy, forget about it.
I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as an organic, rainforest-friendly, free-trade Snickers bar and so you’ll probably receive some kind of unprocessed wholegrain pumpkin scone.
But I digress; really, the most important part of Halloween is the costumes.
Now, I’ve done some serious investigative journalism (and by that I mean I’ve watched a bunch of shitty American movies) and I have discovered a lot about the perfect Halloween outfit.
First of all, it appears that the most popular costume choice for women is underwear.
Yes, for many women, Halloween appears to be an excuse to dress up like a total ho-bag. All you need are some frilly knickers and some bunny ears and you will look like one of those girls that live in that mansion with the old guy who gets around in his silk pyjamas.
Also incredibly popular but highly unoriginal costumes include nurses, cats, policewomen, witches, or that trusty favourite, the beer wench. And who doesn’t love a good old beer wench?
Further detailed research (and by that I mean Google) revealed that the celebrity who always wears the coolest Halloween costumes is Heidi Klum. Every year Klum and her partner Seal go all out.
One year they dressed up as Eve and the Apple/Serpent (he was Eve, Heidi was the apple), but her greatest effort would have to be dressing up as Hindu goddess Kali (complete with additional arms).
More boring costumes include the fairly obvious ones: fairies, witches, animals, Gene Simmons, Harry Potter, etc.
The recent spate of celebrity deaths also has many US newspapers warning against bad taste costumes such as Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze or Farrah Fawcett.
So, having completed my intensive research I’ve decided that the best Halloween costume is something that blends sluttiness with celebrity. So my tip is Lady Gaga - the best of both worlds!
Here’s how you do it: first of all pop into your local op-shop and buy a weird, ugly dress from the 80s. Next, visit the $2 Shop and buy a cheap blonde wig and some hideous sunglasses, then head to a sex shop and purchase some accessories, i.e. a gimp mask, rubber gloves or a whip.
When you get home, cut the dress in half so that it only just covers your bum. Stick the wig on your head and cover your sunnies in foil so that you can’t really see out of them.
Finally, slip on your rubber gloves, grab your gimp mask and crack that whip!
Keep it in mind for next year… maybe.
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