2017 was such a crazy year. When we look at our situaton we see Donald Trump is still the US president, Ed Sheeran is the number one male recording artist in the world, and the fact that Kim Kardashian wants to befriend Megan Markle so that she can get invited to the royal wedding is making news headlines. But the crazy rich will get crazy richer in 2018. Here are the predictions:
January
During a meeting with a bipartisan group of lawmakers in the White House President Trump asks “Why are we having all these people from s**thole countries come here?”, referring to migrants from El Salvador, Haiti, and parts of Africa, while simultaneously being amenable to more immigrants from Asia and Norway. The next day he brags about selling ‘F-52s’, a fictional warplane that only exists in Call Of Duty, to Norway (I must admit that Donald Trump is better at this than I will ever be).
February
After the launch of AI-enhanced male sex robots and female sex robots with customisable faces, a Silicon Valley tech company develops Robotinder, a hookup app for people to meet new robots. All robots swipe left, of course. Women’s groups around the globe vow to step up their efforts for more robot plumbers, demanding an end to the plumber buttock cleavage.
March
New Democracy party leader Kiriakos Mitsotakis celebrates his 50th birthday while touring Crete. He throws a party to celebrate the occasion, but not one member of his family shows up, citing ‘a family emergency’ as the reason for their absence. Actually, no-one shows up, so Mitsotakis decides to have raki with some surfers on a nearby beach to avoid further embarrassment. He gets so drunk that he asks them when was the last time they saw an alien.
April
Marking the seventh anniversary of the first episode, 17 April is declared by the UN General Assembly as International Game Of Thrones Day. Kim Jong-Un declares himself ‘the True Night King’ and threatens to launch a nuclear missile on the back of a giant dragon. Theresa May legally changes her name to Cersei, and after months of border rifts over Brexit, decides to blow up the House of Commons, while every pint-sized blonde on Earth claims to be the rightful queen of the Seven Kingdoms.
May
Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Dustin Hoffman, and Louis CK start their own film company called Grope. In their introductory press conference they dismiss all allegations of sexual harassment and assault against them as fake news and counter-sue every female and male actor under the sun. Donald Trump offers words of support for this new venture and retweets everything the firm posts, ending every tweet with the word ‘covfefe’ for good measure.
June
All eyes are on the World Cup in Russia, where Australia turns out to be the surprise package. The Socceroos lose a close one against France in the opener, but take down Denmark and Peru, earning a pulsating Round of 16 draw against Argentina. They are defeated 1-0, courtesy of a phantom penalty awarded after a Lionel Messi dive in the box in the last minute of stoppage time. Argentina goes on to win the tournament, beating France in the final after a penalty shoot-out.
July
Millennials around the world call Bitcoin ‘yesterday’s news’ and vigorously meet after their spinning classes in an effort to create their own cryptocurrency. The WHA (World Hipster Association) decides to make a bold move and launches Hipcoin, an environment-friendly cryptocurrency created with black coffee, failed start-ups, and Birkenstocks.
August
Melbourne retains the title of world’s most ‘liveable’ city, again topping the Economist Intelligence Unit’s 2018 ranking. Adelaide and Perth maintain their top-10 status, while Athens plummets from 69th place in 2017 to 139th out of 140 destinations for 2018. SYRIZA ministers call the survey ‘a great victory for our nation’ and tell the opposition to ‘stick it’.
September
Unable to reach an agreement over the new format of university entrance exams, Minister of Education Kostas Gavroglou decides to abolish high school altogether, manoeuvring towards optional home schooling instead. SYRIZA calls this ‘an act of social justice in accordance with our campaign promises’ that will relieve students of the hectic grade-hunting. Opposition parties express their disbelief and urge citizens to mass protests. On Twitter.
October
Anarchist group Rouvikonas take it up a notch in their efforts; they kidnap PM Tsipras and his family, hold them hostage for three weeks in one of their safe houses and send out a video of Tsipras headbanging to Rhythm Is Gonna Get You by Gloria Estefan. Meanwhile, other members of the group storm prisons releasing inmates in the process, pull knives on judges and set fire to convenience stores that sell German beer. Minister of Public Order and Citizen Protection Toskas says “there is no reason to panic, they’ll come around. And don’t forget, we inherited this situation.”
November
Instagram announce a series of major changes for its users. Women who aren’t brand ambassadors or influencers will see their accounts temporarily disabled until they get it together. Accounts using bots to generate fake followers will be banned from posting Instagram Stories for six months, while the use of over 40 hashtags for each post becomes mandatory.
December
One year after his first, confrontational visit, Turkish president Erdogan returns to Greece for a series of talks with PM Tsipras. During their joint press conference Erdogan calls the Lausanne Treaty ‘a joke’ and declares war on Greece. Minister of National Defence Panos Kammenos gatecrashes Megaro Maximou and challenges Erdogan to an MMA bout ‘to settle this once and for all’. Foreign Affairs minister Kotzias dubs the meeting ‘a great success that will enhance peace and stability in our region’.