JANUARY
• Julia Banks attempts to form a new party.
• Peter Dutton attempts to crash Julia Banks’ party and is exiled to Philip Island as a queue jumper.
• South Melbourne joins the A-League by Prime Ministerial decree.
• A civil war erupts between disputing Greek dance groups in Melbourne. Bill Papastergiadis is called upon to mediate and challenges them all to a Dance-Off.
• Dannii Minogue reveals that she is Greek.

Dannii Minogue. Photo: IMDb

FEBRUARY
• Greek Foreign Minister Katrougalos is secretly recorded signing «Μακεδονία Ξακουστή» at a Golden Dawn barbecue and resigns from Parliament.
• In his absence, rogue MP’s pass new dress code regulations for Greek Parliament.
• Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras is barred entry to Parliament as he is not wearing a tie.
• Special Forces raid Alexis Tsipras’ home and discover a container load of contraband Armani silk ties in the basement.
• Alexis Tsipras flees to the Ukraine and is appointed Patriarch of the Ukrainian Autocephalous Radical Left Church.
• Kelly Kelekidou becomes Prime Minister of Greece upon popular acclaim.

Kelly Kelekidou Photo: wikiFeet

MARCH
• All A-League teams defect to Clive Palmer’s recently established Palmer United League except South Melbourne.
• South Melbourne plays against itself and wins the A-League Championship.
• Peter Dutton escapes from Philip Island and attempts a coup. Scott Morrison and the Liberals flee to Julia Banks for protection.
• Julia Banks successfully uses the expelliarmus spell and banishes Peter Dutton to Azkaban.
• Julia Banks issues a formal apology to Patricia Karvelas on behalf of the Australian Parliament for calling her sense of fashion into question.
• Patricia Karvelas calls her sense of fashion into question.
• Bill Papastergiadis’ Dance-Off goes horribly wrong. Rioting dance groups push each other off the Lonsdale Street stage and joining forces, occupy the GOCMV building.
• Bill Papastergiadis is last seen on the mezzanine balcony, valiantly throwing chunks of Parthenon Marble at the dancing invaders.

Former prime minister Malcolm Turnbull. Photo: AAP /Dean Lewins

APRIL
• The Messiah who will save the Greek people and lead them back into glory and world domination is born into a humble Heidelberg United supporter’s home in Thornbury.
• The Messiah who will rid the Greek people of the influence of the Church and institute progressive, non-gender specific policies that will ensure sustainable socio-economic growth and dolphin-safe cohesion is born to an affluent Greens-voting family of avid recyclers with a social conscience in Toorak.
• Dannii Minogue reveals that she is not Greek after all.

MAY
• Sotiris Hatzimanolis, on behalf of Neos Kosmos is the first to report that Julia Banks’ new Pethera Party has banned males from politics because they can’t look after themselves, let alone others.
• Julia Banks abolishes Parliament, employing the slogan “Pethera knows what’s best for you.” In Greek this is rendered as: «Σ’αγαπάει η πεθερά σου.»
• Julia Banks institutes bans against males writing, reading or speaking. Thousands of suitable males are rounded up and herded into camps for reproductive purposes.
• Costas Georgiades of Gardening Australia is confirmed as the last Hobbit of Middle Earth.

Independent member for Chisholm Julia Banks and Independent Member for Indi Cathy McGowan in the House of Representatives at Parliament House in Canberra. Photo: AAP/Mick Tsikas

JUNE
• The warring Greek dance groups confederate and assume leadership of the Greek community. The wearing of an inflatable goat carcass on the shoulder becomes a substitute for debate in general meetings.
• Responding to Turkish provocation, Kelly Kelekidou invades Western Thrace. A day later, Kelly Kelekidou apologises to the ratepayers of Xanthi and withdraws her troops.
• Neos Kosmos journalist Anastasia Tsirtsakis bravely hides cowering male Neos Kosmos journalists in a closet, away from the wrath of the Petheres.
• Patriarch Alexis Tsipras of the Ukrainian Autocephalous Radical Left Church goes missing.

JULY – AUGUST
• Nothing happens because everyone is on holiday in Greece.

SEPTEMBER
• Alexis Tsipras is discovered working as a bell-boy at the Skopje Hilton and is extradited to Athens to face trial for crimes against fashion.
• Panos Kammenos eats one souvlaki too many and levitates. Is last seen floating over Mongolia.
• Theodoros Pangalos spontaneously combusts. Greece’s energy problems are solved for the foreseeable future.
• The Confederation of Warring Greek dance groups occupies Oakleigh and sets up an autonomous republic in opposition to the Petheres.
• Dean Kalimniou is located by the Petheres, hiding on the GOCMV’s property in Bulleen. His Diatribes are stripped of superfluous words and he is burned in effigy. Hundreds of thousands turn out to applaud enthusiastically.

Yanis Varoufakis. Photo: AAP via AP/Thanassis Stavrakis

OCTOBER
• It is discovered that Julia Banks is in fact a man and the Pethera Party falls from power.
• Maria Vamvakinou assumes leadership of the Labor Party and is appointed Prime Minister of Australia.
• The Confederation of Warring Greek dance groups announce their plans to construct their headquarters as a replica of Saint Sophia, including, owing to oversight, minarets, in Eaton Mall.
• The Pan-Macedonian Association of Melbourne and Victoria releases its new range of hard, inflexible, non-stick cookware, including pans, skillets and saucepans.
• South Melbourne fragments into four teams of three players each. Each team forms its own league.
• John Rerakis is ejected from MasterChef after George Calombaris displays acute moustache envy.

Maria Vamvakinou during Question Time in the House of Representatives at Parliament House in Canberra. Photo: AAP/Mick Tsikas

NOVEMBER
• The Confederation of Warring Greek Dance Groups collectively develops lung cancer after prolonged exposure to Eaton Mall.
• It is discovered that Karl Marx is not dead but rather has migrated to Melbourne and has been living under the assumed identity of Christos Tsirkas.
• Zoran Zaev agrees to tear up the Prespes Agreement, in exchange for a night with Kelly Kelekidou. Is confronted with a freshly shaved Yiannis Varoufakis instead. Reaffirms his commitment to Prespes the next day.
• Yiannis Varoufakis unveils Plan Z.
• Angela Merkel agrees to forgive Greece’s debt in exchange for Greece entering the Greater German Federation.
• Putin invades Greece and annexes Mykonos, for its own protection.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison, followed by Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack and Minister for Home Affairs Peter Dutton. Photo: AAP/Dan Peled

DECEMBER
• Bill Papastergiadis emerges from behind the Apple Store, dazed and disoriented, during the Federation Square Melbourne-Thessaloniki Festival, wearing a foustanella. He is reinstated as President of the GOCMV.
• Maria Vamvakinou bans Uber and pays generous compensation to Greek taxi drivers. A shortage of taxis is reported in Melbourne as Greek taxi drivers park their windfall in Greek Hedge Funds.
• State Education Minister Jenny Mikakos institutes the compulsory reading of Neos Kosmos in all Victorian State Schools.
• Nikos Fotakis of Neos Kosmos wins the Pulitzer Prize for his searing exposé on the demise of quality and style in Greek Australian Wedding Bonbonniere.
• Hugh Jackman stars in the remake of Wogboy, in Wolverine costume.
• Nick Giannopoulos takes over from Karl Stefanovic on the Today show.
• Dannii Minogue reveals that she is Greek.