As the holiday season approaches, many may feel the pressure of Christmas-basd consumerism and overwhelmed juggling family and other events crammed into the weeks leading up to the New Year.
For some couples, this period will be taxing, as the strain of upholding the appearance of a happy marriage becomes the final straw, leading them to end their relationship once the holidays are over.
January, notoriously known as the ‘Divorce Month,’ is a time when lawyers experience a significant surge in clients seeking separation.
We spoke with a Sydney-based family lawyer, Cassandra Kalpaxis who specialises in amicable separations and co-parenting strategies.
She shed light on the many factors that drive couples to file for divorce in January, the myths and pitfalls about divorce, and the ways that partners can prepare for a split. Her insights reveal that ending a marriage, especially with children involved, is far from straightforward—but that with planning, empathy, and clear communication, it doesn’t have to be adversarial.
It takes years of unhappiness, before divorce is filed
Filing for a divorce in January, is not an impulsive, or spontaneous decision, Kalpaxis says. It takes a woman, on average, five years ruminating about the divorce when they’re in an unhappy marriage, and men even longer. Sometimes it will take a man 10 to 20 unhappy years to finally decide to call it quits.
“It is definitely more women, initiating divorce, and we’re seeing that more and more. January comes with this sense of a New Year’s resolution… That might be prioritising themselves, getting out of a relationship, doing all of the things that they need to do to be able to move forward.
“Things may be really difficult over that Christmas period and a lot of people are entering January saying, ‘I’m not doing this for another year’.”
When people consult her about ending their marriage her first piece of advice to them is to really make sure that the relationship is not salvageable, particularly if there are children involved.
“I want them to have done everything they possibly could in order to save their relationship, and to have made the decision that it is definitely over.
“Being able to engage with therapeutic intervention is absolutely something that I encourage, but I also tell people that therapy is a two-way street. It needs to be something that both people are willing to commit to. If one person wants to go and the other is there under duress, they’re not going to get anything out of it.”
Divorce can be amicable Kalpaxis says, and even wrote a book titled Dignified Divorce: How to Separate Simply and Stay Out of Court where she guides readers down an alternative path of separation that doesn’t need to become ugly, by involving the Court, dealing with lawyers and child custody.
“I specialise in that. So that’s actually what people come to see me for, the majority of the time. I’m quite lucky in that the bitter, acrimonious divorce is a very small part of our practice. So for me, being able to assist people who want to continue to stay in their children’s lives, who want to continue to co-parent, but just need some help to be able to get the legal aspects of the separation done is really what I do.”
‘Nesting’ is becoming the norm when couples separate
With the huge toll on finances when a divorce happens, it is now becoming the norm, for couples who separate to stay under the same roof until the children are grown up.
“Today, the cost of living is so significant – our government has ultimately made it impossible for those people who are not sitting in the upper middle class or the elite to be able to go out and buy new property, or to rent while somebody else stays in the home.
“So more and more we are seeing what we call ‘nesting’, where people who are separated are living in the same home for as long as they possibly can, because they simply cannot afford to go out and acquire new premises.”
Though challenging, Kalpaxis says it is absolutely possible to make this arrangement work.
“It is complex. It comes with a myriad of issues, particularly when there’s domestic violence involved, but it is certainly becoming what I would call normalised.”
Kalpaxis says that there needs to be clear boundaries and very clear communication.
“This is where I often tell people that they should go to mediation at the outset to try and get some assistance in establishing those ground rules so that people can effectively ‘nest’ without there being issues.”
Often what helps in maintaining, or even salvaging a marriage, is the reassurance that separation and divorce is an option that doesn’t entail financial hardship on the other side.
People often go to her just for advice on what their rights might look like if they did separate. Hence not feeling trapped in a situation, they can go back and work on their relationship with reassurance and agency.
When meeting new clients, Kalpaxis finds herself unpacking the myth that because an asset is in one party’s name, therefore the other party isn’t entitled to it.
“That’s completely wrong. If somebody has a house, for example, husband and wife, but the house is in the husband’s name, I’m constantly having to tell a wife that that does not mean that she doesn’t have an interest in the property.
“It doesn’t matter whose name the property is in. If it’s a matrimonial asset, it’s a matrimonial asset.”
The same applies for de facto partners. They have exactly the same rights as married couples.
Staying together just for the kids is not better for them as many couples tend to think
Kalpaxis believes it is often worse staying in an unhappy relationship, “will continue to just perpetuate that cycle.”
“The research shows that children who sit in high-conflict families for an extended period of time -six months or more- where there’s yelling, there’s arguing, there’s never any peace in the home, their brain development and their emotional development is impacted to the extent that we see those children’s brains actually shrinking on a CT scan. They actually have a smaller brain than a child who isn’t in that position.”
She says that those children are at a higher risk of homelessness later in life.
“We see them at a higher risk of presenting the same symptoms as children who have ADD and autism because of the conflict they’ve been exposed to,” Kalpaxis says.
“When people say, I’ve stayed for the kids, I need to unpack the misconception that staying for the kids in a high-conflict environment is better than leaving and establishing a normal and safe environment where both parties can have access to their children, but they’re no longer exposed to conflict. This is actually more beneficial and meaningful for children than them continuing to stay in one home where their parents just can’t get along.”
In these high-conflict environments, ‘nesting’ is not usually the best solution.
It is “a logistical nightmare, and it’s something that government needs to start taking notice of” says Kalpaxis.
“We are putting more and more vulnerable women in a position where they are being exposed to domestic violence because they cannot leave their homes, because of the cost of living crisis” she adds.
According to Kalpaxis more and more parents are telling her that they are not eating three meals a day because they cannot afford to eat so that their children can eat instead of them.
Fathers, hesitate to leave an unhappy relationship for fear of losing access to their children.
“We now know the importance -particularly for girls- of there being a relationship with their dads, the importance of a father who is stable, present and active in their children’s lives. And the family court recognizes that at the outset, so things have significantly changed over the last 20 years. We used to have a system where the mother was given priority. That is not the case now. The social science research around demonstrates the need for there to be an active, stable role model by way of a father in children’s lives for normal development when it’s safe to do so. So when dads come and see me, I’m constantly explaining to them that those experiences that their parents might have told them about a divorce no longer applies to them.”
“No one is ever emotionally ready for divorce”
Divorce is a fluid process Kalpaxis says and feelings change daily. “No one is ever emotionally ready for divorce.”
The event is something that changes daily, and “that grief cycle that people go through changes.”
“I tell people, ‘one day you’re going to be angry, the next you’re going to feel okay, on another day, you’re going to feel confused, and that is normal'” She says that no one’s ever really ready but divorcing couples need to be in a position where, by working on communication with their ex partner, they prioritise their children, “and they know that when they disagree, there is a fallback position for those disagreements, that it will be okay.”
Money is the main issue
Kalpaxis says that while we tell people about to marry, that it’s not polite to talk about money, it is crucial. Before tying the knot, couples “need to communicate. They need to talk about money.”
They also need to talk about their values in terms of family the expert advises. They need to know what their goals are together as a couple.
“The number one issue that I see in relationships is from couples who have never had that discussion about their different values around money and what that transpires into.
“There’s an old Greek saying, which is, if the money’s good in the home, everything else is good.”
Despite the emotional impact of her work Kalpaxis loves her job, especially because of the success stories she sees all the time.
Parents who, began with strained communication, need the intervention by the right professionals who can encourage them to try and co-parent their children.
“I see people all the time who come back and see us, a few years into the future, and have been able to successfully co-parent their children and even become friends. That’s the kind of thing that we want to see.
“We don’t want people entering into these really horrible, acrimonious separations where they can’t go to their children’s weddings in the future because they can’t stand the sight of each other.”
It’s a tough job, but what fulfils Kalpaxis is the protection of the vulnerable, and giving them an opportunity to be able to get to safety, particularly with children.
The first step for anyone considering a divorce Kalpaxis says is to communicate with their partner. Work out what it is they’re feeling, and have some empathy around that situation.
“If they need to come and get some advice -it doesn’t mean you need to do anything with it- get the advice from a lawyer who’s aligned with your values, and then go from there.”