It was four years ago that Kathy Katras’ life was turned upside down when not one, but two of her children began their battle with ice, also known as crystal meth, or what she has dubbed ‘Mr Meth’.
Raising our children, we’ve made every decision for them; we’ve had control over every situation, and all of a sudden you’ve come to something that you can’t help your kid with – it’s insane.
“They were both very good students. He did every sport available. Even at the age of 18, he would always let me know where he was; his morals and ethics were of someone who was committed to his family,” she recalls.
But it was at the age of 19 that her son and her 17-year-old daughter’s journeys took a different path.
“During those three to four years I was like any mother, very desperate to find the answer and to understand it. I researched hard for that magical one-off answer. Obviously there isn’t one,” states Kathy.
‘Did I show them enough love? Was I there for them? Did I make sure they were happy? Did I put pressure on them?’ were just a few of the questions that haunted her.
It was only through gaining information that she was able to rebuild her own strength, to in turn help her children, likening it to the airline safety instructions to put your own oxygen mask on first before your child’s.
And since November 2015 she has been passing her knowledge, and experience, on to other parents.
Encouraged by a counsellor, she put together a presentation, with the first part titled ‘Hello Mr Meth’, which has done the rounds at a number of support centres across the Northern Territory.
She helps parents understand their limitations as to what they can and can’t do, harm prevention strategies and recognising the drug for what it is so that they don’t end up becoming enablers.
“I also go through the emotions I felt as a parent: blame, denial, frustration, and control. Raising our children, we’ve made every decision for them, we’ve had control over every situation, and all of a sudden you’ve come to something that you can’t help your kid with. It’s insane,” she exclaims.
And she’s not about to sugar-coat the experience. While it’s natural for parents to complain, whinge and nag their child, she is frank in that “it isn’t going to work in this situation”.
“Someone on meth involves no empathy whatsoever,” she says, and instead encourages parents to arm themselves with knowledge that they can pass on to their child, which they can recall at a later date.
The second part of the presentation deals with the next phase: ‘The Tug of War with Mr Meth’.
While all parents want their children to return home and say they’ve had enough, do they actually know what to do if their wishes come true?
“If we can’t get them into rehab, do we know what the signs of toxication are? Do we know signs of overdose? Do we know when to seek medical advice? Do we know about using magnesium when they’re having muscle spasms or warm, salty baths, or hydration without using a lot of sugar because it releases dopamine?”
Kathy discovered the answers through necessity when her son made it clear that his only rehabilitation would be done at home, cold turkey.
While she acknowledges there are good things about rehab, she also notes that waiting lists can be at least a couple of weeks − less than ideal for the small window of opportunity there can be once the user has made their decision. It’s a worrying thought considering the wait for a rehab facility in Melbourne can range from anywhere between eight and 10 months.
One thing she encourages parents to keep in mind is that relapse is very common, and part of the transition.
“If the child has decided to make a change, it doesn’t mean that specific time will be the time that he stays abstinent from it forever,” she emphasises, adding that persistence is key.
“If they’re willing and able you need to take that opportunity, because for every time they try to recover the body has been given a break from the use; it’s been given rest and nutrition.”
In her son’s case, she says there were many attempts.
“He’d come home and say he’d had enough and we’d go through the process of withdrawing. I’d say ‘your eating habits are going to change, you might not be able to sleep at night’. By preparing him emotionally, he’d know he was going to get worse before getting better.
“Sometimes it would last around five days and after that he’d get up and walk out the door, and the cycle started all over again. But for every time that he came home we achieved a little bit more. We had a plan,” she says.
One of the biggest struggles for many parents, and the key to greater success, is having boundaries, made easier when you can identify who your child is and when meth is actually doing the talking.
“When he was under the influence, he was Mr Meth. When he’d call I’d say ‘when my son is ready to talk to me he can phone me, but I’m not falling for this’. Mr Meth is only after number one: use, abuse and to try and get what they can out of you,” she says.
Having two children using, Kathy was able to see first-hand the differing effects crystal meth can have, with her son experiencing acute side effects such as psychosis.
But since then, he’s come a long way.
When asked how long he’s been clean, she responds: “I used to have a calendar where I counted down the days, but he’s exceeded that. It’s been about 13 months now,” she says, the smile on her lips audible.
“The physical bit of healing is easy, you know, he’s young. Emotionally … that’s the hard bit, trying to get the self-love back, the feeling of self-worth. They’ve been in a world of lies and deception, but at the end of the day, recovery is progress, not perfection.”
Her daughter’s journey has taken a different path again. Now aged 20, she is currently in jail under destruction of meth charges, which she says is oddly enough “peace of mind”.
“I know that sounds very bizarre to parents. When I started doing my research I used to read articles and stories about other parents who’d write letters to the judges saying ‘Please lock my child up’ and I was horrified; I was being critical. But sure enough, the day has come unfortunately where I understand, because there are three options for a meth user: one is rehab or recovery, which she obviously wasn’t ready to do, prison or death. So I’ll take prison.”
While her daughter hasn’t experienced severe withdrawal symptoms, Kathy has realised that withdrawing isn’t the main issue; it’s about getting to the point where the user understands their triggers and the reason they started using meth in the first place.
For that reason, she admits she is trying to get her daughter to see a counsellor, which is not readily available to her in her current facility.
“I said to her, ‘in there, it’s okay to say you’re never going to use again because you don’t have access to it. But unless you get your brain right, this is a revolving door’.”
But one thing is for sure, meth doesn’t discriminate when it comes to class, ethnicity, gender or age.
“It just sucks; the anxiety and anguish of having a child on it, the desperation of what you can and can’t do, it’s a sickening feeling. All you want to do is save your kid.”
And by breaking the silence and standing up for her children and those of others, she might manage to do just that.
“This isn’t about shame and blame; this is about not letting our kids down. If they know that we’re not stigmatising them, they will ask for help more readily, I believe.
“I never judged my son; I respected the unfortunate journey that he had taken. I always say to him that ‘because of your journey you’re going to be an amazing young man with a lot of substance and a lot to offer. Yes, you will still bear the scars and that’s why it’s not recovery, it’s healing. But you will also be able to look at the world a lot differently’,” she says.
And it is that unconditional love, for both herself and her children, that has gotten them this far and will in turn keep them going.
“We all want to think they’re going to be off it for a week and be our normal kid again, but they’ve got issues that they’ve got to get through. And I’ll take it any day because it beats the alternative, it beats where he was, and I really don’t want to be down there.”
* Children’s names have been omitted to protect their identity.