As 2016 salutes us, let’s roll on our inner Nostradamus for 2017. Remember, you read it here first.
To say that 2016 has been a tough year would be an understatement. We lost so many legends, Donald Trump got elected US President, the EU is rapidly falling apart, and Kanye West had a mental breakdown. But 2017 is going to be even whackier. Here’s a month-by-month breakdown of what’s in store:
Donald Trump takes his presidential oath of office. He immediately fires all members of his cabinet via expletive-filled tweet and hands the Vice Presidency to his number one fan, Paris Hilton. Her first delicate assignment is secret talks with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. Trump’s final piece of advice is to “grab him by the p***y”. Paris’ reply is “don’t worry Mr President, that’s my field of expertise”.
After months of boiling tension in Greek-Turkish relations, Defense Minister Panos Kammenos decides that enough is enough. During a surprise visit to Turkey he stands on the Bosphorus Bridge with a baseball bat, wearing only his tighty whities and an ‘Erdo-GONE’ t-shirt. Prime Minister Tsipras denies any knowledge and begs President Obama to sort out this mess. His assistant tells him that he’s out in the gym playing hoops with Luc Longley. He’ll hold.
Hollywood puts a halt on all movie productions, with the exception of 80s movie sequels with all-female casts. The Goonies, Platoon, The Breakfast Club, This Is Spinal Tap, even Crocodile Dundee get their due reboot, all of them starring the Kardashian sisters, as every other actress is ruled out due to low numbers of Instagram followers.
Influential fashion bloggers, food critics, and highly-rated Uber drivers from around the globe form the WEIA (We Are Important Association). They seek to negotiate a collective bargaining agreement with their respective states that includes retirement packages and free Snapchat shares, but talks break down when they demand a lifetime supply of quinoa for all members.
Disappointed by the ineptitude of his cabinet, Prime Minister Tsipras seeks the help of well-known Greek Australians. He offers the Ministry of Culture to Nick Giannopoulos, courts Nick Kyrgios to become Ambassador of Sportsmanship, and gives carte blanche to Con Makris to become a developer in Athens with an offer he can’t refuse: high taxes, bureaucracy at its finest, and his own Ministers trying to sabotage any investment.
A survey in Oh Boy magazine suggests that 87 per cent of women over the age of 30 view ‘an organic food-eating, bearded, cat-loving headcase with a history of domestic violence, preferably a member of a rock band that’s going nowhere, with a love of tattoos, brunch, malt whiskey, thrift shops,and gentrification’ as the ideal boyfriend.
Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro breaks his leg in a jet-ski crash after one margarita too many on Margarita Island. The entire Greek government flies over to Caracas in a show of solidarity, while Trump and Putin blame each other for the incident in their monthly golf tournament. British PM Theresa May is once again denied entry to 10 Downing Street, because still nobody recognises her. She is reduced to tears and subsequently quits. She tries to land a role as an extra in the final season of Game Of Thrones, but the producers’ response is “you are no Conor McGregor”.
Pokemon Go afficionados hold a minute of silence in every park around the world in remembrance of the tragic events that followed the game’s sudden drop in popularity after the heyday of July 2016. To mark the occasion, Niantic launches Stalkemon Deluxe, a location-based augmented reality game for all devices, in which you can track down old flames.
Airbnb has taken over the world. It’s not just a homestay network anymore. Through its platform you can now sub-rent your spouse, your dog, your company, even that little black dress that you haven’t worn since that New Year’s Eve party in 2005. Angry civilians host protests everywhere, while Nigel Farage, leader of the ‘We Want Our Stuff Back’ movement rallies the troops in a TV interview via satellite saying that “‘I’d love to join with all you fine people, but I’ll be having Wagyu beef with my billionaire friends in The Hamptons”.
The Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to Justin Bieber for his valiant effort thwarting a sea of young Believers from storming his hotel room during a recent visit to Singapore. He pulls a Bob Dylan and misses the ceremony, because Oslo is close to Stockholm and he’s scared of getting Stockholm Syndrome-d. He sends Selena Gomez instead, who botches the lyrics to Baby and goes on a five-year hiatus.
For the entire month, downtown Athens is under road closure due to an unprecedented amount of marathons. Events include ‘Marathon for blind children under five years of age’, ‘Marathon for brunettes in long-term relationships awaiting the proposal’ and ‘Marathon for middle-aged men who wear awful wigs’. Mayor Kaminis brands the effort a success and proposes its extension over 365 days.
Cyber-terrorist group ‘The Artists Formerly Known As Anonymous’ releases every Facebook PM by every user ever. After weeks of riots in the streets, destroyed wedding rings, trashed office desks, a record number of arson attempts, and myriads of flatmates gone missing, countries are forced to declare martial law until further evaluation. All Christmas and New Year festivities are cancelled.