Sophia* (not her real name) thought she had found love when she met a charming and attentive partner — the ideal.

Over their seven-year relationship, however, that love turned into a web of control, manipulation, and fear. In this account from within our community, Sophia talks to Neos Kosmos about the red flags she dismissed; the gradual erosion of her confidence and sense of self; how she planned her escape and then transformed her life in every aspect.

Sophia’s journey: From love to fear

Years of gaslighting, love bombing, and intimidation systematically diminished Sophia’s self-worth. She felt trapped in a cycle of fear and doubt until she hit rock bottom. It was then that Sophia found the courage to leave. Her journey highlights the insidious nature of psychological abuse, an often invisible form of gender violence, which leaves victims questioning their sanity and believing they are the problem.

Red flags and realisations

Sophia was 26 when she met her ex-fiancé. Early on in the relationship, there were red flags, but she would excuse his behaviour, she said.

“In the early days, I noticed that he would often respond in unexpected ways to situations,” she says and recalls how he got unexpectedly angry after dropping a jar in the supermarket.

“I remember feeling uncomfortable, and that the level of anger far outweighed the issue that had occurred.”

As the relationship progressed, control and abuse became more apparent. From isolating Sophia from her friends to imposing excessive control, her ex demonstrated behaviours she now recognises as part of a toxic cycle. At times, his behaviour was masked by grand romantic gestures, which Sophia now identifies as love bombing.

The turning point came six years into the relationship. When her partner dropped into her workplace unexpectedly, Sophia felt an overwhelming sense of fear. This, coupled with a period of separation due to his work commitments, gave her the clarity to realise how unsafe and unhappy she felt around him.

Planning and breaking free

Sophia began couples’ counselling, hoping it would improve the relationship, but instead, it affirmed her decision to leave.

“The first session was the moment I realised I urgently needed to escape,” she explains. “I cried uncontrollably the entire time; I saw and recognised what my psychologist explained as gaslighting and sociopathic behaviours.”

With the help of her psychologist, Sophia devised a careful plan to leave safely. She convinced her ex to allow her to live alone temporarily, citing personal growth as the reason, while secretly preparing to never return.

Shortly after, during a heated argument, he suggested the relationship wasn’t working. Sophia seized the moment, agreed, and ended the relationship immediately, moving her belongings out that day.

A life reclaimed

Since leaving, Sophia has rebuilt her life, regaining confidence and a sense of self-worth.

“I now have hope for a positive life for myself. In my previous life, I had spent years thinking that my life would end in suicide because I felt so worthless. I have friends and can socialise without overwhelming anxiety. I have a home where I feel safe.”

Sophia has also taken legal action to secure financial fairness, representing herself in court. “It was very empowering when everything ended in my favour,” she says.

Her experience has motivated her to study law and advocate for awareness of domestic violence, particularly the less visible forms like psychological abuse and intimidation.

For those in similar situations, Sophia’s advice is clear: trust your instincts, seek help, and never underestimate the importance of a strong support system.

“If your gut instinct tells you something isn’t right, then it isn’t. Go to a therapist, come up with a plan, and leave.”

If you or someone you know is suffering from gender-based violence, control and disrespect call 1300RESPECT or 1800 737 732 or go to www.1800respect.org.au