Since the Ashley Madison saga unravelled, making the private details of those seeking an affair online public, many couples around the world are feeling slightly uncomfortable about their loved ones. Could your wife be on the list? How about your friend’s boyfriend? Perhaps.
Cheating is prevalent in all cultures around the globe, but have the instances of cheating increased with the rise of the internet?
“If I had to say yes, it wouldn’t be hugely risen. I do think there’s probably more people looking at it and seeing it as an option,” psychologist Vicky Manikas tells Neos Kosmos.
“I think it’s always been there … it’s that much more accessible with all these online dating websites; it’s right in front of us, at our fingertips – literally.”
Ms Manikas says people can feel protected behind a device, with the option of an alias name, making online ‘cheating’ appealing, particularly for those merely seeking the thrill of feeding their curiosity.
Though some may not have gone through with the act of bedding another, the reality stands that the exposing of hundreds of thousands of Australians from all sectors shows us one thing: “People aren’t 100 per cent getting what they need or want out of their relationships,” says Manikas.
According to Sexual Health Australia, 60 per cent of men and 45 per cent of women are willing to report that an affair has occurred sometime in their marriage.
In some cases Manikas says it could be warranted where the partner is absent or abusive, but usually it’s having expectations of the relationship that might not be realistic.
“We assume that we can get everything from one person – it doesn’t ever happen. And when we don’t, we look for those qualities in other people.”
Unlike cheating offline, those involved with Ashley Madison and similar dating websites can’t use the age-old excuse: “It just happened.”
“There’s the added level of betrayal because it feels like it was thought of and planned, it wasn’t just a standard ‘we were friends and it grew into something more’.”
If so many people are unhappy in their relationships, what’s the alternative? Apparently it’s simple: maintaining communication.
“If they’re willing to talk to their partner about what they’re not getting in a relationship, if it feels like a deal breaker, then maybe they should, as opposed to looking for it somewhere else.
“If their partner’s willing to compromise, then that’s useful. But if not, they should decide whether staying in the relationship is worth more than these one or two things,” says Manikas.
And if you think you’re the only one unhappy, think again. In most cases, if you’re feeling dissatisfied, chances are your partner’s experiencing similar feelings.
“For a lot of couples, their lives become work and children. It sounds harsh to say a child shouldn’t be the priority, but I do believe that the couple have to be the two most important people for their own relationship. The parents are going to be left with each other once the children have moved on.”
After all is said and done, is the old adage ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ true? In Manikas’ experience, it’s not.
“I do think there’s probably some people who have it in their personality to be impulsive and will continue to do that, but for the average person, there’s a reason why it happens.”
“Sometimes people cheat, move on and end up with that person. The majority, however, will admit it was a stupid mistake and it often never happens again. It kind of shocks them into reality and forces them to fix things in their own lives and their relationship.”
When it comes down to it, it’s not about grand gestures, but simply showing you appreciate your partner on a daily basis.
“If you’re unhappy, talk about it. And make sure you take time to do little things like saying ‘happy birthday’ and buying a bunch of flowers. Little things like that keep it going.”
